The Cross

We sometimes absentmindedly sing "Oh, the wonderful cross." 

And it's true, the cross is . . . wonderful. It means our debt we owe to God of our sin has been paid and that condemnation does not have to be ours. But, I think we have become desensitized to what the a cross truly symbolizes. We make it out of diamonds, we paint it on walls, it's become a design to wear on purses. I am guilty myself; today I have pink crosses painted on my ring fingers for Easter. I am not claiming that anyone is sinning by painting crosses on their nails, wearing them around their necks, or having them printed on their purses. I'm reminding that Jesus' cross was made of splintery wood, blood, and sorrow. And I'm admitting that today I am having a hard time calling it wonderful.

I read in a book recently that Jesus commanding you to take up your cross and follow Him is equivalent today as taking up an electric chair and carrying it. It is your instrument of death. If I were to somehow have pink crosses on my fingernails in Jesus' time, how shameful it would be! How utterly despised. Once, I sat in the car at a gas station and across from me was a cross by the road adorned in flowers with the name of the deceased person written on it. I thought about how it was written on Jesus' cross, "Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews"- written as an accusation, not a beloved memorial. I recall sitting in church as a young girl and seeing crosses on pews, on podiums, and now I see them everywhere but none of them are bloody.

I am not suggesting that we should paint bloody crosses on our fingernails instead, or tote around purses with the grizzly scene printed on them. I am not trying to persuade the readers of my blog to really do anything, even. I am stating that the cross will be viewed differently in my eyes. It is a wonderful symbol of faith, and I know I painted them on my nails this morning out of a burst of love and joy for my Lord. Yet, I pray that for the rest of my life I will still remember what Jesus' cross looked like, what it meant in that time, and (in any way I can somehow try to understand) what it meant for Him.

I no longer want to glamorize it. If I wear it at all, I want it to be because I understand the gravity of what it means in my life to truly take up my death and follow Jesus.

Look! New Life! (And a Poem to Match.)

In Bloom

That refreshing moment

breaking the thick surface for the air above

all things anew

all things in bloom

beckoning, awakening sleep-filled eyes

cleansing away the dry

that winter left behind.

Now is moisture to the skin.

Now is the flower's spine upright.

Alive, alive!

All things spring alive.

What is a Missionary: My Journey of Realization

 I am a small town girl who, for a long time, had never really been very far from home. The most I have broadened my boarders so far is when I went to gulf shores this past summer. Even then, it was the ride there that excited me, getting to see as much of the state of Alabama that I possibly could out a car window from the interstate (at least until I saw the ocean for the first time.) When I was 17, the biggest thing I did was spend spring break with my best friend at her grandparents' house an hour and a half from home. This would not have even happened if she had not written my parents a detailed letter as to what we would be doing and how I would be safe.  So, you can imagine how overwhelmed I felt as a freshman in college called to do mission work in Nairobi, Kenya.

I was 19 years old. It was an ocean away from home. My family was scared, worried, and frustrated with me. My grandmother's main concern was whether or not I would be sleeping in a mud hut and eating grasshoppers for my meals (she, too, is a small town girl). I began doing anything I could possibly think of to raise enough money to get to Kenya that summer of 2013. Zach, my friends, and I baked desserts for hours in the kitchen of my dorm at college.

Our profits from the bake sale were great, and even after that it seemed money was coming in left and right. Unfortunately, after a while, the money slowed down. Most of the money raised ended up going to pay for my passport and would need to be used for the plane ticket, and then I had nothing left for the trip expense itself. Soon, the deadline came and I was empty handed. This sounds discouraging, and perhaps a little embarrassing, and at first it was!  But, now that is not the case for me. I had confidence that God would give me the right time to go because I knew for certain (and still do) that He called me to Africa. I thought God was saving my trip for this coming summer, but now that is not the case and He had marriage in the plans instead. Whenever I do go to Kenya, I am certain that it will be alongside my husband which is an even better idea than what I had in mind (God has a way of doing that!) But, the confidence I speak of was not easily obtained. God had to teach me a lesson.

Because of the heart God gave me for the work to be done in Kenya, I will have to admit that I could not see any kind of mission work that was as important here in the United States of America. When I thought of Jesus' words, "Go into all the world," I could only see far way places. God so sweetly began the process to correct my misunderstanding in the summer of 2013, the summer I thought I was going to be in Kenya.

I sat in the pew at church countless Sundays thinking, I don't understand, Lord. I feel like I am supposed to be in Kenya right now. I felt incomplete and confused. Then, my church began talking about a trip to Nashville called Mission 615. Everyone on the team including my best girl friend from church wanted me to join them in a one day outreach to the homeless of Nashville. I agreed to go, my heart pumped and ready for whatever God was about to do. The experience changed my life.

At first, I was hesitant to call it a mission trip because I did not understand how traveling 2 hours from home could be just as important as crossing an ocean. But when I took a bus to the projects to invite inner city kids to a Saturday church service, when I saw their eagerness to sit and hear about God and their hunger for something that would give their lives hope as they prayed at makeshift altars in a gym, it shook my understanding.

When it was time for the evening service for the homeless, I was put to work in the nursery. The children of the homeless competed for my attention the whole hour, and some in some pretty silly ways. But it was the toddler who more than likely hadn't had a meal that day who wanted to share his Cheetos with me who altered my perspective.

 The truth that I have realized for myself, is that while I am certain I am called to go on that trip to Kenya one day, my permanent calling is to be a United States missionary. One country is not more important than another in God's eyes, and quite honestly I am a missionary in my dorm room, and as soon as I walk out the door, wherever I walk. All of God's children are under the same calling, but in different ways. A trip to Nashville for one day is as much of a mission trip as a week or two in Kenya. One week from today a team from my college and I will be heading to Atlanta, Georgia to work alongside an organization called Street Grace to fight against human trafficking in some way. I no longer measure the urgency or validity of a mission trip on how long it takes or its location. I could spend my time anxious and waiting to go to Africa as if my life depended on it, or I could open my eyes to the opportunities God is placing all around me each day and grab them with both hands. 

I choose the second option.

Deep

There is a deep inside of me

Ever rushing 'round in me

So that all I see or think I see

Leaves a longing for that deep in me.

Forgetting Those Things Which are Behind: Yes, Even the Good

Philippians 3: 13 reads: "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching toward those things which are ahead. ."

Upon reading this passage, you may think (as I have always thought), "Yes! I am to forget my past because Jesus has washed me clean of it and forgiven me- I am not who I used to be. It is time to move ahead to what He has made me to be." This is very true, but it is not all that is true of this passage. As a matter of fact, we are also called to leave behind even those good things from our past as well.

That's Crazy!!!

Yes, it seems so! This is exactly what I thought the first time I was told that two years ago at youth camp by the speaker who was striving to impart wisdom into my 18 year old soul. God has done so many amazing things in me, I thought, how can I forget? It doesn't seem right. So, the idea was pushed away into the back of my mind until recently, and rightly so because I do believe I would not have been able to understand until recent circumstances. But, here is the whole truth:

The God who has done so much in you thus far is the same God now. The Jesus you knew and discovered then is the same now, yet that is not all He is! You must not remain in the past, but allow Him to bring you into your future. 

Paul continues: "I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal this to you. Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind." ~verses 14-16

"To the degree that we have already attained. . " I do not think we are called to utterly cease to remember all God has done for us, but I believe we are not made to dwell there. I will not be 18 forever, I am not even 18 now. God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than what He has before, and I believe He will. I know not the half of it! Neither do you for your own life.

Praise God for what He has done, but reach for what He will do.

Attack of the Clones

Last night, my roommate and I were talking and I admitted to her how much I look up to her. I told her how I admired that she is real, and that when she walks in the room she fills it with that deeply pure and true spirit that is in her. I told her I wanted to be like that, adding, "but in my own way. We definitely don't need two of you."
This began a quite hilarious conversation about what each of our friends would be like with a clone of themselves. We laughed hysterically how some of them would argue with their clone, how they would handle relationships with a double, and we even agreed that my clone would become hyperactive while I am trying to go to sleep which would result in a nasty fit of rage (I do value my sleep.) We agreed that the clone would be exactly identical to the original person in thought, character, and personality, but that it could be in a different mood than the original. We eventually concluded that if each person had an exact double then the world would not be able to function and explode in some way. One of anyone is perfectly enough. "Thank God we are all individuals," I laughed.
But, after I said it, I realized I truly meant it! Looking up to someone you admire is wonderful, but never should you want to be like that person in a way that will make who you are cease to exist. Jesus came to give us life more abundantly, and I hold fast that this means through Him who you really are is awakened. I personally testify that I didn't know who I was until I found Jesus. Jesus made me emotional for a reason, just as he made some around me less emotional for a reason. We learn about Him from each other and see the world from different perspectives for His glory- created to fill a purpose that only we as individuals can.
Recognize who God made you, let what He didn't make you fall away, and be perfectly you. There is no one else who can do what He has designed you to do.

From His Heart to Mine

At the college I attend, the Bible classes teach us to look at the Bible as a piece of literature, to read it objectively and critically. This is helpful, and I have learned a lot about the Bible and those who took part in penning it. However, if I ever only view it as such, I will surely become like one who is dead. The Bible is much more than a  piece of literature. It is a message from God's heart to mine. It has changed my life drastically. Again I stress, the word of God is so much more.

One in a Septillion

Yesterday I spent all day in a kindergarten classroom in my home town, and I do believe my favorite part of the day is when the students learned about the stars. The teacher read them a book about a little boy who was trying to figure out how many stars there are in the sky. Each child had a different idea, ranging from 24 to "a hundred billion trillion." When asked why it is so hard to count the stars, students answered,
"because they're so far away," "because your arms get tired from counting," or "because they move."

The book concluded that there are way too many stars up there to count all of them, but even with the words "way too many," a good picture of just how many is still blurry. After recess, the students were asking questions about the milky way and the teacher (I do admire her so much for her skills) decided they would do some research as a class. The pictures of the milky way were gorgeous, and I felt so small thinking of the complexity and mystery of these faraway and captivating lights. A video was found that explained an as-accurate-as-it-gets estimate of just how many stars are in this galaxy. The conclusion- over a septillion. "My brain hurts," one little boy sighed. Mine did too, but oh how loved it made me feel!

When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,

The moon and the stars which You have ordained,

What is man that You are mindful of him,

And the son of man that You visit Him?  ~Psalm 8: 3-4

Radical Sheep

"And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force."

~Matthew 11:12

This verse was one of my favorites for quite a while at a time in my life where, for the first time, I really felt like a warrior for Christ. While I caught on to the concept of fighting, being "violent" against the enemy, I never quite understood much more about what Jesus was saying here until yesterday morning when I read it again.

The footnotes in my New Spirit Filled Life Bible came in handy, stating, ". . . the idea of this verse is that the kingdom of heaven , which Jesus set up as a powerful movement or reign among men requires of them an equally strong and radical reaction. The violent then who take it by force are people of equal enthusiasm and commitment who are willing to respond to and propagate with radical abandonment the message and dynamic of God's reign." The footnotes also stated that Jesus could have likely been referring to Micah 2: 12,13, so I gave that a look as well:

"I will surely assemble all of you, O Jacob, I will surely gather the remnant of Israel; I will put them together like sheep of the fold, like a flock in the midst of their pasture; They shall make a loud noise because of so many people. The one who breaks open will come up before them; They will break out, pass through the gate, and go out by it; Their king will pass before them, with the LORD at their head."

I realize there is a lot I am not understanding in both of these passages, and I am no scholar or eloquent speaker (blogger in this case.) I digress; I totally pictured a herd of loud and radical sheep with Jesus, staff in hand, as their shepherd leading them in a charge to bust out of the gate and go be, well, radical. (Don't try to google "sheep riot," you will not get the image described here.)

We are called to be radical, for Jesus was radical. He didn't start riots in streets and nobody was killed at that time in His ministry but John the Baptist and Him, but what He did for us was radical. We are called to radically love, to let love radically change who we are, serve radically, be radically emptied of ourselves, and radically abandon all He would have us to in order to gain Him. To not seek what we would want, what we would do, but what Jesus would have us do. Otherwise, we will be likened to children sitting and whining about what  one did or didn't do for the other (Matthew 11: 16-27.) So, be loud and radical sheep- loud in love.

The Mystery

December 23rd, just a little over a week ago, my fiance Zach and I were getting ready to snuggle up and watch a movie when somehow the conversation came up on what it means for wives to "submit" to their husbands as stated in Ephesians Chapter 5. I told him it meant to be obedient, but Zach was still a bit puzzled and to be honest I was too (though I wasn't necessarily going to admit it- I was anxious to hurry up and start snuggling in front of that movie with some hot chocolate.) I know the matters of God are always so much deeper than can be seen at first glance, and in that moment it became more apparent to me.
"Why don't we read it?" I asked. Within a few minutes Zach was lying on the couch fumbling through my Bible while I sat in the floor sipping a mug of hot chocolate. He wouldn't even let me show him where Ephesians was, let alone which verse it was we were looking for; he was on a mission.
When he finally found the chapter, he began reading out loud starting with verse 22. As Zach read to me, so many epiphanies (as I call them) began to hit me that I made several interruptions to verbally process what I was learning. I remembered eagerly crouching over these very same verses in a dimly lit study lounge of the dorm I live in at college, sobbing because I wanted so badly to understand what the Lord was saying and could not. Now, as my fiance was reading it was like I was hearing for the very first time.
"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery-" Zach smiled and squinted at the passage before stating, "that right there explains a lot."
He was right. I know a couple girls, one my age and  the other my Grandmother's age, who are married and who both have told me upon my asking that they had no fears and no worries at all when preparing for marriage. Maybe I am just weird, but I certainly have! Now, I am not referring to "what if I gain weight and my dress doesn't fit" or "what if I cry and my make up runs everywhere." I am referring to the fact that I have no idea how to be a wife and have had a hard time understanding why God created marriage and filled me up with such a strong love for Zach if it's all about Him anyway. What is the point? (I realize I ask that a lot.)
Well, as Zach read to me God taught me some vital things about His big plan for the marriage between man and woman and the marriage between Christ and the Church.
God knows all and has all the answers (though He won't tell us what all of them are). He is like a person who has gone through the maze before, several times, and knows the right way to go to get to the other side. When He is trying to tell us, "Go this way. Trust me, I know," we can either follow Him or go the way we think will be best. It isn't logical to go a different way when the man who knows the right way is telling us where to go. When we don't obey Christ, we are acting as though we do not trust Him. When I do obey Christ (I realize I am not perfect and disobey probably more than I realize) it is out of love and trust that He is looking out for my greater good. As Zach's wife I am to submit to him. I am to obey, follow him, and trust him as I do the Lord, trusting he is leading me with wisdom in the Lord in a way that will bring me closer to Christ.
Although I don't have it all figured out from one epic Bible reading, my spirit is definitely more free just realizing man and woman with Christ and the Church is indeed a mystery. I know only a small portion of this mystery (I'm sure about the size of a crumb) in the months leading up to marriage , and I realize that however many years Zach and I have left of our lives will be filled with learning it more. Considering the way he helped teach me the verses in Ephesians 5, I'd say I am in good hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the savior of the body.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her by the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing,  but that she should be holy and without blemish.

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

~Ephesians 5: 1, 25-27, 32

Fighting with Praise

I was not much for the New Years resolution making this year, at least not stated as typically seen on someone's facebook status. I wracked my brains for something important to dedicate myself to, something to claim as my goal this fresh 2014. But nothing came to me, nothing more than the things I am already dedicated to in my life. New Years Eve crept up on me in such an alarming way (as holidays tend to do at times), resulting in my thought, "Wait. Aren't I supposed to be coming up with some sort of goal? How do I feel about 2013?"
The question raised cynical thoughts, which made me feel heavy at heart. I am supposed to be a good little Christian girl and post an awesome facebook status about how great God was in 2013, right? No, I wasn't having that. Because the truth was that I felt a strong bitterness for 2013 and I wasn't about to fake an easy "feeling blessed" facebook status about it. It was filled with heart ache, fear, brokenness, and confusion. I wanted it gone, but felt no excitement or faith in the idea that as soon as a big ball drops in Time Square suddenly everything is brand new. All around the world on that night people would be doing God knows what and expect to be some fresh person the next morning all because of a new calendar. What was the point?
I decided I had to put up some kind of a fight. I got out my journal dubbed by myself the "prayer journal" and decided to list a few great things I knew God did in my life in 2013, despite the overall bitter aftertaste it was leaving me with. I wrote:

2013

1. I faced a lot of realizations about myself- my testimony that were hard, dark and depressing. But, You walked with me through that darkness and led me to the other side. You made beauty out of.. icky stuff. You helped me realize what You are doing in me. I am blessed.
2. I got to be at the ocean. For the first time! To taste a part of Your creation for the first time.
3. You put me in a ministry for young girls.
4. I am engaged! You're leading me into marriage, which I find to be a HUGE mystery.

Counting blessings seems overwhelming, either because we see so many of them or see none at all. But I have found that one praise always leads to another, and even though my hard feelings for this past year still linger as I type this, they subside if even for a moment when I remember all of the living I got to do by God's grace. Each experience listed could not have been as sweet and as meaningful if I was not a child of God! It is God who makes a new day and a new year.

As for a resolution, well I do fondly remember a girl who used to force herself awake each morning to see the sunrise, who found a quiet place outdoors (when it was warmer, at least), and who sang to God like it was His birthday and didn't mind sitting in the dirt just to be humbled and really tell Him how she felt. And did she praise Him? Yes- especially when she didn't feel like it. Lately, she hasn't felt like much of a warrior and can't give an explanation why. She only knows she hasn't praised from the bottom of her heart in a long time. I think it's time she returned to fight a little harder. Because praise is a weapon, and I have found living out each day is hard if not started out in gratitude and recognition of who God is regardless of who I am.